An excerpt for depression, in depression? Whatever

     I haven't written in a very long time. I figured, if no one is reading then why even bother? I started this blog to keep myself motivated. I failed at that. I'm depressed, more than depressed really. I'm bitter and I'm calloused and just so not feeling much of anything anymore. 

     These last few weeks have been huge ups and downs for me. My son turned four, he's getting so big and way too fast. We found out that the hearing impediment we thought he had just turned out to be an obstinate gene (he no doubt got from me) where he didn't want to listen or speak until about 2 & 1/2 years old. So now, instead of deaf education classes, he may have to wait another two years in order to get into school. Since he was born in November, the next kindergarten class he'll be eligible for isn't until 2017, when he's 6. How unfair is that? Honestly? This is his second year of school, which he will be kicked out of because he's no longer considered deaf. I'm glad he's not (we will still teach ASL and continue to learn it) he's so smart, and enjoys school so much. This last summer break, he asked me non-stop when he could go back to school. Every time we passed the schoolhouse he'd ask why he couldn't go. Anyway, I'm rambling....

     I'd said before, I started this blog in order to keep myself motivated. Well motivation sucks. It's there only for one fleeting moment, then life kicks the door down and says "hey! Remember me? Pay attention to me" like some attention deprived teenage brat. Since my miscarriage a few months back, I spiraled. I binge ate, I stopped working out completely, I even stopped all my supplements and completely ignored my health. My husband and I are at each other's throats almost constantly. It's difficult. Being away from him this long is tough. He's been gone longer than what a normal deployment would keep him. Sometimes I honestly wonder if he really likes being away. It's a voluntary mission, he could request to come home at any time. I assured him I was fine with it, but I'm not. I don't like not being able to see him when he comes home at night. I can't sleep in our bed when he's gone. I'm not a talk on the phone kind of person, and I hate doing face chats since they always have those little boxes showing the gawd awful state you currently look like. You know, God forbid you're lying down when you face chat, you start to look like a beluga whale with all those chin flaps just hanging about down there. Lord knows those pimples and wrinkles and any blemish you've had from middle school to the present show up on there too. I guess I just look at my husband and see how gorgeous he is, and I wonder, why me? I'm not funny, I'm not that pretty, I'm overweight and I have bad horrible habits. Every single relationship I'd been in previously the last thing I was told was I was just too bitter and cold. He constantly brings up how bitter I can be. I am, I'm not denying that. I've always been that way, ever since I was a kid. I have no real reason to be, my life has been pretty cushy so far. I just can't help but think that maybe I'm driving him away, to stay away from me and my little negative bubble because I don't know how to be anything else. I want to be happy. I really truly do. I don't know how. I put on that face and start to be that bubbly nothing can bring me down kind of person, and then comes that fucking koolaide man, attention deprived teenager we named Life, just comes banging in through the walls of that happy bubble "I'm here, bitches!!" And then it just reverts back to where I started. Me, being my usual bitchy, cold, ever-complaining self and my husband getting mad because I can't go one day without something getting under my skin. 

     My heart honestly aches. The whole fake it til you make it thing hasn't worked for me. I've got hives all over from stress. I'm smoking more than ever now, well not ever, but I'm back to smoking more than half a pack a day. I don't have any girlfriends anymore that I can talk to and that sucks. When the only adults I ever have any interaction with are my mom, my mother in law and my husband, it gets lonely. I can't talk to my mom about any of this. She doesn't really have a good advice mindset. My mom in law is one of the sweetest people ever, I love her to death, but she doesn't ever have time. You really can't beat having a friend around the same age, who's really got your back in everything. Someone who knows you and can see through to your soul and knows you better than you know yourself. My husband used to be my best friend. I suppose he really still is, we just fight too much. Is it too much to ask to be treated equally? To demand respect and trust from someone who's supposed to love and respect and trust you? I haven't been feeling it lately. So yea, I'm depressed, more than depressed. There hasn't been a day this last month I haven't cried, sobbed. I miss my pop. I miss him so much. I miss hearing his voice and his jokes. I miss being open hearted and happy. I miss me. I've lost so much of myself lately, I don't know how to go back. 

An awkward summer and a new chapter

It's officially August 1st. Summer is headed to a close. I'm glad. Fall is my time of year, always has been. I love the colors, moderate temperatures, ciders, the harvest time of year. Lately, I've been loving getting away from seeing all the booty shorts, tank tops that are cut all the way to the belly button on the sides, belly shirts, kids walking around in bikinis, bleh. Let me tell you, I have been overly bitter and negative lately, hence the space between posts. I'm not a fan of summer. Texas heat, modesty, and a self-esteem issue keep me from baring all like some of the *ahem* "ladies" that walk around here half nekkid in the 110 degree weather. So, for the turn of the seasons I've decided to start breaking some bad habits.  My oldest son, who has a hearing impairment and just started talking last year, has been calling me out on all of my naughty words unfit for his delicate ears. Oops. Apparently I do this way too often. I hear him say "mommy, that's not a nice word" at least four to six times a day. Minimum.... Oops. So, in light of this, and fear of being called into school for him saying "f@&$!ing s@&$!" when he gets aggravated at anything in school, every time I find myself cursing or hear him say his little phrase I'll put 10cents in a jar. Once that jar is full, (big pickle jar I give it about a month.... Maybe) I'll take that jar and the money in it and give it away. Either by paying for a stranger's groceries or gas or just giving it to the local library, which is more likely. Either way, I can't dip into it or spend a cent of it on myself because it's from a bad behavior. I have a friend doing the same thing for negative thoughts. That will take some time to build up to. I'm a negative Nancy sometimes. How does this relate to weight loss and PCOS you're thinking? Well, a healthy body starts with a healthy mind and attitude. So, no more cursing. At least around impressionable, sponge-like ears.

     I have been keeping up with my diet, not so much exercise or supplements, but my diet I have been on track with. I haven't weighed myself in months. When my weigh day comes around each week I've already forgotten about it, so I just skip that week. Remember, I'm not looking for a number on a scale but a look and health. I feel like I fit my clothes a little more loosely. Stuff that was tight when I started is now fitting a bit like it's supposed to. That has made me more confident. I'm hoping to see some real improvements when I go clothes shopping in a little over a week. Not looking for miracles. Just progress. It didn't take me 9 months, it didn't even take a year to get where I am. It took 3 years to pack on all this weight. If I lose even 100lbs in two years I'll be over the moon happy. Every pound I lose is a pound closer to trying for a little girl. I know you're thinking, ok this lady is writing a blog about losing weight just so she can get pregnant and pack on another 30+lbs. Well, yea. That's exactly what I'm doing. I can't have another child until I lose this weight. Being so heavy, my pregnancy will be high risk and will probably be lost like the angel I lost before my second pregnancy. I know if I'm able to manage my weight and get back down to healthy, the next pregnancy and post-pregnancy weight loss will be nothing compared to what I had to do to get there in the first place. I can do this. I am strong, I am determined and I have everything I could ever need to get where I need to go

Too long, but progress

It's been way too long since I posted. Just an update. I have lost 8 lbs over the last two weeks. That's a pretty healthy loss. Recommended weight loss is about three pounds every two weeks, but since I'm so overweight, I think this is just shedding a little quicker. I'm happy with my results so far. I was in the shower just last night and I could pinch my belly handles. Yes, my gut was so big and protruding that I couldn't pinch it, now it is pinchable. That's cause for celebration in itself. 

I haven't really denied myself any certain food group. I really don't believe that crash diets or diets that involve all kinds of restrictions are a healthy, long term way to lose weight. What I have done is eat moderate proportions and made sure my protein and carb and healthy fat and sugar intake were all properly adjusted. This means a higher intake of proteins, a good amount of carbs, I know they're scary but honestly if you're working out properly your body needs those for energy and to turn those proteins into muscle which burn more fat than regular, well... fat. And I've also cut down on the fats, bad fats, to an all time minimum. This doesn't mean I restrict them, just watch out for overly processed foods and go with a healthier fat option. This means choosing almonds for a snack over a Twinkie. Today, I decided for my progress of 8 whole pounds!!!! I'm making a chocolate cake from scratch. Icing and all. I'm only having one slice out of the whole thing but I'm sure my two boys and my brother and sister will finish it off for me hahaha. 

I made the recipe from a Pinterest post I'd found. Here's the link to it 

http://www.nelliebellie.com/chocolate-cake-recipe-from-scratch/comment-page-9/#comment-553765 

Not sure how it tastes so far, it's still baking in the oven, but I will update you later. Remember, getting a healthier lifestyle isn't about restricting everything tasty. If my blogs to come are read, a healthy diet can be über tasty and fun. Getting healthy needs to be fun for you. If it's not, change it up. This is for you and you deserve it. Have a slice of cake after a few weeks every once in a while. Remember that you have to work out every single day. You do that and eat right, you'll be losing weight. I'm living proof. 

Also, in a few weeks, I'll have a guest poster, my friend Brandi has graciously accepted to write a blog post about her journey with weight loss and PCOS.  She is a huge inspiration to me and I hope an inspiration to you as well. Keep up the work people. I hVe faith in you. 

Rants, raves, and a couple more delicious recipes

So I was going to write and post this last night, but with all the storms, flooding and evacuations, it's been so busy. Now the threat of flooding has passed, kind of. It's still busy. Being a mom of two never gives you any downtime. I seriously tip my hat to anyone and everyone who is a parent. Seriously, it gets tough. Then there are days like yesterday when I work out in front of my three year old and he sees me having so much fun, he decides to join in and work out with me instead of screaming and crying. 

Yesterday I got up and made the most delicious breakfast. I had oatmeal with a sliced banana and half of a pomegranate. I also had some honeydew melon on the side, but my kids decided it was way too yummy and ate half of all of it for me. The best thing about it was the whole meal was under 300 calories and still had a good amount of protein. It was so filling I could only eat half. That's a full, nutritious breakfast for 150 calories. I would have added a tbs of chia seeds to it for more nutrients but with the unexpected trip to my mom's house I didn't grab those. Well, I guess I know for next time. There will be a next time. 

Let me tell you, while this journey to health has started out easier than my last few times, this one has kicked my butt the hardest. My exercise regime is just pure and simple dailyburn programs once a day, then rigorous cleaning, walking and some yoga at the end of the night to get everything loose and limber and calm down before bed. The true beginner program with dailyburn has kicked my but every single day. I don't think my legs have ever burned so much in my life. The ab workout was good on my abs, I finished both in one day since I was feeling froggy, but seriously, sign up for a free trial and do one workout a day. You don't have to plan your own workout, they show you exactly what to do and options to customize it to your fitness level and it's so easy to follow along. It's been working so well for me. I was supposed to weigh myself yesterday but after talking with my husband, I know that if I weigh myself now and don't see any weight loss, or even more horrifying, I see weight gains, it won't be beneficial to me. So I'm waiting until next week. So far, I've been on task with eating right and exercising every day, I think that counts more than any number the scale gives me. It's about starting a healthy lifestyle, then losing weight in the process. Not losing weight to start a healthy lifestyle. 

My lunch yesterday didn't go as planned either. I ended up making roasted cabbage, broccoli and asparagus with Alfredo sauce over some quinoa. It was supposed to have some chicken pieces that I'd pre-cooked. Yea, I couldn't find that chicken anywhere. Can't even find the crock I'd cooked it in. That was my favorite baking dish too, so that was upsetting. Even without the chicken, this meal was so yummy. It had plenty of green veggies and protein from natural whole grains. I made a huge 9x13 dish of it and it was all gobbled up by everyone before an hour had passed. So I know it wasn't my bias lol it was very tasty and another meal under 300 calories. I think it came in at 299, but still that's under 300!

This morning I felt so awful. I usually wake up now every single day at 4 or 5 a.m. Even without an alarm. I would never have dreamed in a million years I'd ever be a morning person. But there I was, waking every day before the birds and working out about 3 hours later after my son went off to school, and falling asleep by 9. When in the world did that happen? It's amazing how well your body adapts to a healthier lifestyle once you start fueling yourself properly. It's truly amazing. All you have to do is get up every day and work for it. I know how hard it is. This is probably more than my 10th attempt to be healthier, I tried to do it for my kids, I tried again for my husband and our *ahem* bedroom life... I'd even tried again while I was pregnant the second time for the little life growing inside me because I had a choice when he didn't. I tried for me, because I wasn't happy with me. Every time I failed. None of it was motivating to me. The reason was, I was trying for everyone else. I was convinced everyone else would benefit from me being healthier. I wasn't doing it solely for me. So I could make excuses to not do right. Well, the kids would rather eat ramen and hot dogs instead of whole grains and vegetables so I won't cook healthy, or the kids need my attention right now, so I'll work out later, or the worst one yet , I'm too tired from taking care of everyone else I don't have time to take care of myself. Ok, moms, wives, every woman, man or child out there reading this right now, taking care of everyone else around you before taking care of your own health, that doesn't do anyone any good. No one. If I had continued on that path, would I have made it to my youngest son's wedding day? Probably not. I was that unhealthy. Who does that benefit? Sure you spent every last breath making sure your spouse and kids were taken care of, but you were left out and now you're gone, who does that help? No one. So, if you're like I was, thinking after everything and everyone is happy then you can make yourself happy, you will never get there. Let the kids play in another room for just 30 minutes while you sweat. Let your spouse clean the kitchen while you take a shower or bath to clean off that sweat. Take care of yourself and make yourself happy. I guarantee once you take a few minutes a day to work on you, everyone else around you will be ok. The kids will still be fed and loved, the pets will still be fed and walked, the housecleaning will still get done, and you'll be healthier. It starts with a mentality. You have to take care of you. I promise you can't get to where you want to be putting yourself on the back burner. Remember that. You deserve it. 

Now gear up, put on some music and just work. You'll thank me later. 

 

best loaded tuna recipe

Today I'm going to concentrate on one of my favorite poor meals. I call it a poor meal because it's relatively cheap to make compared to how much you get from it.

I'm not a huge fish fan. I'd much rather drink a protein shake and take an omega-3 supplement than eat salmon or cod or any of that stuff. Don't treat me to a lobster dinner, ever. Give me steak or a huge juicy burger any day, but tuna is an exception given its made completely loaded. This is a revision of a recipe I'd found on pinterest that I will link to below. I'd found it on my first search of healthy healthier recipes than I had been eating, and let's just face it, with two boys 3 and younger, anything is healthier than my main squeeze of chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. So this is my take on the loaded tuna recipe, adapted to my tastes and what I had on hand. Feel free to adapt it to what you have, your tastes and preferences. Honestly, you can't go wrong. This is the only way I've found to get my three year old to eat more than a nibble of carrots. So it's a win for me.


Loaded tuna recipe:

2 small cans tuna, in water
1 small can olives, chopped or sliced
4 baby carrots or 1 small regular carrot, grated finely
1/2 chopped red onion or about 6 stalks chopped scallions
1/2 cup roasted peppers (these can be roasted at home, how to will be included below the recipe)
1 tbs chia seeds
1/2 grated cucumber, can also be diced very small
2 stalks, cleaned and chopped or diced celery
1tbs shredded fresh ginger root to taste
Garlic, salt and pepper to taste
1/2 tbs mustard
2tbs mayo, or whipped dressing like miracle whip


This recipe is super simple. After all the ingredients are chopped, diced, drained, shredded as needed, just add to a bowl, mix and enjoy. I try to make this ahead of time to let it sit in the refrigerator for at least a few hours to let all the ingredients make friends with each other, preferably overnight. This is really good the next day after everything gets a chance to settle together. I like it on 100% whole grain bread, whole wheat tortillas are good with it too, just a little red leaf lettuce or some kale wrapped up with it, mmmmhhmmm. Or you could bypass the grain all together and wrap it in some cabbage leaves, yummy. Seriously, this is one of those recipes you feel like should be eaten on a cheat day, but everything is 100% good for lunch on any regular day. The chia seeds in it are so packed with nutrition, antioxidants, I love em. In fact the word "chia" comes from the ancient Mayan word for strength. They also add to the protein punch of this recipe.

So, to roast the peppers in this recipe is super easy. You'll even have some left over if you don't munch on them or add a few slices to your sandwich or wrap like I do. Simply pre-heat your oven. You'llwant it on a low broil. While that's heating up, wash your peppers, not completely necessary since you'll be peeling off the skins, but I like to just to be sure. Then cut open and deseed your pepper, this can be done with any color pepper, my favorites are the red, yellow and orange colored bell peppers. Once they're de-seeded, cut them into strips about 2-3inches in width. This doesn't have to be perfect, it just makes it quicker to peel and chop later. Now, line a baking sheet with aluminum foil and place your strips skin up, so the inside of the paper is lying on the foil, so none of the strips touch. Place them in your pre-heated oven for about 10 minutes or until you see Browning and bubbling in the skin. Next take your peppers out and wrap them in the foil, place them in a bowl that won't melt and cover them lightly until they cool to the touch. This will take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. After your peppers have cooled enough to handle simply peel off the burnt and bubbling skin,this should be super easy now because you covered them and let the heat and natural liquid of the peppers slough the skin enough for you to just peel it away. For those stubborn spots, take a sparing knife and carefully, very carefully, fillet it off. Now you have your very own roasted peppers to do with whatever you like. This recipe and tons others will be so much tastier with fresh roasted peppers.

Here's the link to the recipe that inspired mine, seriously give hers a try. It's the bomb dot com as well.  
http://parsleysagesweet.com/2014/04/08/loaded-chicken-or-tuna-salad-with-garlic-greek-yogurt-ranch-mayo-and-the-end/

So what do you guys think, did you like this recipe? Have you tried your own? Any variations you would like to share, please comment. I love the feedback.

A beginning

By now, I hope you've read my introduction on my Google+ profile. If you haven't I'll give you a brief run. I have PCOS, and I'm fat. Sorry to all you ultra femmes out there who think fat is beautiful and I shouldn't be ashamed of myself and blah blah whatever. Fat is beautiful, skinny is beautiful, everyone has a body type they feel comfortable with and the one I currently have, slightly shy of 5'5 and 238lbs, is not my comfortable place. I'm not happy. It took me three years to come to the realization I'm not happy being big. Hats off to you if you are, keep that smile because hunny, you are beautiful. I just didn't feel it. Not for me. So the following posts are my battles, my inspirations and dreams for myself on my journey to lose weight and get back to my happy place.

I won't lie to you and tell you this came by me easily. There have been lots of false starts. There have been tons of missteps and even more tears when I saw all my hard work not show up on the scale. Please, please I'm begging, if you stumbled across my blog because you are also wanting to lose weight, do yourself a favor, take your scale and put it up in a closet and don't even look at that jerk until your weigh day. Don't even touch it. Don't care. That scale will only throw out all the good feelings and endorphins you get from completing your first workout, your first complete day of eating right, your first complete week without soda or sugary drinks, and it will drag you down. Instead pick one day every week or even better every month or somewhere in between and take note. Never use the scale to determine your progress. That number is only a .0000000001% of your journey. If you want to be successful don't use your daily weight as a meter of your success. I learned that the hard way and it was responsible for about 4 of the 9 false starts to my journey. So just chunk that hunk of jerk filled hate in a closet until you're ready to weigh in. Instead of using the scales, I'm using my feelings to determine my success. How do I feel today compared to yesterday. Do I feel happier, am I sore from yesterday's workout, have I conquered a craving, do I look better today? These are the foundations of why I want to lose weight. It's not the number or the dress size exactly. It's the feeling of running around, chasing my three year old around the house with a napkin because he's trying to eat his boogers. It's the feeling of pushing harder than I did yesterday. It's the feeling of knowing I did my best to kick PCOS in the face and say it will not determine me. That's just my two cents. Right there on the table. Take it or leave it there for the next person.

So, by now I'm sure you're wondering what my plan is. Or was. Or is. Not sure. This blog may take off from day one or it may blow up after I've lost all my weight and continue to blog as I struggle with maintaining that weight. I e never been good at maintaining. I'm not even sure why I'm allowed to have kids. I couldn't keep a plant alive, from the looks of my window garden I honestly still can't, but for whatever reason they're doing fantastic. The kids, not the plants 😖My whole plan is a low glycemic index diet. As it's been said, you can't outrun a cheeseburger. You simply cannot exercise enough to lose weight on a poor diet. I don't care if you run every waking second. If you don't eat well, your body will just shut it all down. I'm also taking a few supplements for iron, magnesium, some fish oil, my prenatal vitamins, because this is my journey not only to better health, but to be pregnant with that baby girl, and vitamin D. These are just my supplements because of my health conditions, what I've been deficient in and what I've read and been told would help in my situation. Everyone is different so please please please talk with your doctor first before starting anything. Especially if you haven't been active for a while. You may have underlying health conditions that differ from mine and need different nutrients. I'm not a health professional and I'm not a trained weight loss coach or a dietitian or any of that. I'm just a woman on a journey. Before you start yours, make sure you get the all clear and ask for recommendations on what to do for your specific goals.

Thank you so much for reading and supporting me on this path. Please comment below with your inspiration, your fears, what's stopping you, what's pushing you forward. We're all here together and a village gets it done. Thanks so much. God bless