These last few weeks have been huge ups and downs for me. My son turned four, he's getting so big and way too fast. We found out that the hearing impediment we thought he had just turned out to be an obstinate gene (he no doubt got from me) where he didn't want to listen or speak until about 2 & 1/2 years old. So now, instead of deaf education classes, he may have to wait another two years in order to get into school. Since he was born in November, the next kindergarten class he'll be eligible for isn't until 2017, when he's 6. How unfair is that? Honestly? This is his second year of school, which he will be kicked out of because he's no longer considered deaf. I'm glad he's not (we will still teach ASL and continue to learn it) he's so smart, and enjoys school so much. This last summer break, he asked me non-stop when he could go back to school. Every time we passed the schoolhouse he'd ask why he couldn't go. Anyway, I'm rambling....
I'd said before, I started this blog in order to keep myself motivated. Well motivation sucks. It's there only for one fleeting moment, then life kicks the door down and says "hey! Remember me? Pay attention to me" like some attention deprived teenage brat. Since my miscarriage a few months back, I spiraled. I binge ate, I stopped working out completely, I even stopped all my supplements and completely ignored my health. My husband and I are at each other's throats almost constantly. It's difficult. Being away from him this long is tough. He's been gone longer than what a normal deployment would keep him. Sometimes I honestly wonder if he really likes being away. It's a voluntary mission, he could request to come home at any time. I assured him I was fine with it, but I'm not. I don't like not being able to see him when he comes home at night. I can't sleep in our bed when he's gone. I'm not a talk on the phone kind of person, and I hate doing face chats since they always have those little boxes showing the gawd awful state you currently look like. You know, God forbid you're lying down when you face chat, you start to look like a beluga whale with all those chin flaps just hanging about down there. Lord knows those pimples and wrinkles and any blemish you've had from middle school to the present show up on there too. I guess I just look at my husband and see how gorgeous he is, and I wonder, why me? I'm not funny, I'm not that pretty, I'm overweight and I have
bad horrible habits. Every single relationship I'd been in previously the last thing I was told was I was just too bitter and cold. He constantly brings up how bitter I can be. I am, I'm not denying that. I've always been that way, ever since I was a kid. I have no real reason to be, my life has been pretty cushy so far. I just can't help but think that maybe I'm driving him away, to stay away from me and my little negative bubble because I don't know how to be anything else. I want to be happy. I really truly do. I don't know how. I put on that face and start to be that bubbly nothing can bring me down kind of person, and then comes that fucking koolaide man, attention deprived teenager we named Life, just comes banging in through the walls of that happy bubble "I'm here, bitches!!" And then it just reverts back to where I started. Me, being my usual bitchy, cold, ever-complaining self and my husband getting mad because I can't go one day without something getting under my skin.
My heart honestly aches. The whole fake it til you make it thing hasn't worked for me. I've got hives all over from stress. I'm smoking more than ever now, well not ever, but I'm back to smoking more than half a pack a day. I don't have any girlfriends anymore that I can talk to and that sucks. When the only adults I ever have any interaction with are my mom, my mother in law and my husband, it gets lonely. I can't talk to my mom about any of this. She doesn't really have a good advice mindset. My mom in law is one of the sweetest people ever, I love her to death, but she doesn't ever have time. You really can't beat having a friend around the same age, who's really got your back in everything. Someone who knows you and can see through to your soul and knows you better than you know yourself. My husband used to be my best friend. I suppose he really still is, we just fight too much. Is it too much to ask to be treated equally? To demand respect and trust from someone who's supposed to love and respect and trust you? I haven't been feeling it lately. So yea, I'm depressed, more than depressed. There hasn't been a day this last month I haven't cried, sobbed. I miss my pop. I miss him so much. I miss hearing his voice and his jokes. I miss being open hearted and happy. I miss me. I've lost so much of myself lately, I don't know how to go back.